I remember the night I worked out what my endless pain was caused by. I was sitting in the bath, looking down at my naked body. I remember looking at it, in almost disgust at the time. I was angry with it, for being sore and sick all the time. I was only 19 so it was easy for me to blame and get angry when I felt things were not fair. I remember feeling exhausted from pain. Exhausted from this constant need to take drugs and pain killers and just wanting it all to end. By this stage I hadn’t received any answers from doctors and there was still a lingering mystery around why I was so sore all the time.
It feels like yesterday when I think about that moment. It was in that moment that I knew. I knew it was something inside, something to do with my womanly bits. I am not even sure how I knew but it was like an inner voice that somehow told me that my problem lay with my ability to produce children. I had this sinking feeling at the time, that perhaps I was simply not meant to have children. I remember crying that deep sad cry when you have lost something. Like I had lost a child already, without even trying or having lost one but somehow it was like, in that moment…. I had.
I look back on that moment, that night in the bath quite often. I question myself more now about having children and my true desire to have them.
I know for many women they see this as the biggest loss of having Endometriosis – Being told by doctors that they are not able to have children. Do you feel this? Is this a deep rooted fear you are holding?
I have this strange belief about Endometriosis and babies…. I might be alone on this one but I believe that there is a reason we have a condition which affects our ability to have children, that there is a reason we have “disease” in this particular place in our body. Sure, our body is out of balance and this imbalance has caused us to have Endometriosis but why there? Why that particular area? What is it about that area that makes us feel sad, angry, at a loss or any emotion? I know for me, I have always found the idea of having a child really scary. I am not sure why. I guess on some level I am afraid of stuffing it all up. That I might do something wrong, not love my child enough, not be there enough or not be strong enough.
I had a brother who died when I was very young. He was only 9months old. I think perhaps this loss and seeing it on my mother and how it affected her, might have had something to do with my fear of losing a child, of being in that place where you are helpless and cannot save your child.
I feel such a sense of pain for women who have lost a child. To me that must be the most heartbreaking thing in the world. I guess it is that fear that perhaps is controlling my non desire to have children. Sure there are many other factors to deciding on whether one should have children, commitment, financial and whether you are really ready emotionally. I guess I always argue that if I am questioning something too much, it must mean that I am simply not ready.
I meet women with Endometriosis and their expression of fear and worry about not being able to have children is so heightened. It is such a deep focus and fear that I often wonder if that over rides their true desire to have children. I have been in that place. The place where you are told you can’t so you want it even more. Read this article on a different take on it.
The thing is, I am committed to getting better and healing Endometriosis 100% on so many levels. For me and of course for you and all of my readers and followers. I want to prove that it can be done and then I want to show others how you can do it to!
My motivation is strong purely on those grounds. Thing is, finding motivation for the reason of “having a baby” is a much better one on some levels. You have a goal, a measure of success.
I believe we can heal Endometriosis, or I wouldn’t be writing this blog…. and naturally I believe that you can therefore have a baby or two….. or…… as you have healed your body and prepared it for childbirth.
This belief is set deep in my soul. It is like the inner voice that told me what my problem was at the time. It knows I will find the answers and when I have them, in their complete form… I will share them with you.
You don’t need to worry about your ability or non ability to have children. Start believing you can and you will and you are already on the right track. Healing is possible. People all around the world are healing themselves from worse condition than Endometriosis. Allow yourself to let that fear go. It is a negative emotion which we should get rid of.
Become committed to healing your body. Prepare your body for your eventual child. Make a commitment to change and do the right things for your body. Yes, some are harder than others but you can get there. You can find a way, just take little baby steps each and every day.
Whether I want babies…. that is still something I am debating! Love to hear your thoughts!