I remember the night I worked out what my endless pain was caused by. I was sitting in the bath, looking down at my naked body. I remember looking at it, in almost disgust at the time. I was angry with it, for being sore and sick all the time. I was only 19 so it was easy for me to blame and get angry when I felt things were not fair. I remember feeling exhausted from pain. Exhausted from this constant need to take drugs and pain killers and just wanting it all to end. By this stage I hadn’t received any answers from doctors and there was still a lingering mystery around why I was so sore all the time.
It feels like yesterday when I think about that moment. It was in that moment that I knew. I knew it was something inside, something to do with my womanly bits. I am not even sure how I knew but it was like an inner voice that somehow told me that my problem lay with my ability to produce children. I had this sinking feeling at the time, that perhaps I was simply not meant to have children. I remember crying that deep sad cry when you have lost something. Like I had lost a child already, without even trying or having lost one but somehow it was like, in that moment…. I had.
I look back on that moment, that night in the bath quite often. I question myself more now about having children and my true desire to have them.
I know for many women they see this as the biggest loss of having Endometriosis – Being told by doctors that they are not able to have children. Do you feel this? Is this a deep rooted fear you are holding?
I have this strange belief about Endometriosis and babies…. I might be alone on this one but I believe that there is a reason we have a condition which affects our ability to have children, that there is a reason we have “disease” in this particular place in our body. Sure, our body is out of balance and this imbalance has caused us to have Endometriosis but why there? Why that particular area? What is it about that area that makes us feel sad, angry, at a loss or any emotion? I know for me, I have always found the idea of having a child really scary. I am not sure why. I guess on some level I am afraid of stuffing it all up. That I might do something wrong, not love my child enough, not be there enough or not be strong enough.
I had a brother who died when I was very young. He was only 9months old. I think perhaps this loss and seeing it on my mother and how it affected her, might have had something to do with my fear of losing a child, of being in that place where you are helpless and cannot save your child.
I feel such a sense of pain for women who have lost a child. To me that must be the most heartbreaking thing in the world. I guess it is that fear that perhaps is controlling my non desire to have children. Sure there are many other factors to deciding on whether one should have children, commitment, financial and whether you are really ready emotionally. I guess I always argue that if I am questioning something too much, it must mean that I am simply not ready.
I meet women with Endometriosis and their expression of fear and worry about not being able to have children is so heightened. It is such a deep focus and fear that I often wonder if that over rides their true desire to have children. I have been in that place. The place where you are told you can’t so you want it even more. Read this article on a different take on it.
The thing is, I am committed to getting better and healing Endometriosis 100% on so many levels. For me and of course for you and all of my readers and followers. I want to prove that it can be done and then I want to show others how you can do it to!
My motivation is strong purely on those grounds. Thing is, finding motivation for the reason of “having a baby” is a much better one on some levels. You have a goal, a measure of success.
I believe we can heal Endometriosis, or I wouldn’t be writing this blog…. and naturally I believe that you can therefore have a baby or two….. or…… as you have healed your body and prepared it for childbirth.
This belief is set deep in my soul. It is like the inner voice that told me what my problem was at the time. It knows I will find the answers and when I have them, in their complete form… I will share them with you.
You don’t need to worry about your ability or non ability to have children. Start believing you can and you will and you are already on the right track. Healing is possible. People all around the world are healing themselves from worse condition than Endometriosis. Allow yourself to let that fear go. It is a negative emotion which we should get rid of.
Become committed to healing your body. Prepare your body for your eventual child. Make a commitment to change and do the right things for your body. Yes, some are harder than others but you can get there. You can find a way, just take little baby steps each and every day.
Whether I want babies…. that is still something I am debating! Love to hear your thoughts!
Author of Cure Endometriosis & Eating with Mel.
I Also have endo i always knew i had it from about about the age of 15 from the pains i would get in my left side. I saw a number of drs that tried telling me i was depressed because i would go into them crying the reason for my crying was the emotional and physical pain aswel as lack of sleep which was due to the pain. It was an off chance i got to see a part time gyneacoligist who reffered me i had my lap n was told i was right all along i had endometriosis and a 6cm cyst of endometriosis. I went to see my gynea today after having a hsg i only half have the results as the hopsital replaced my results of the hsg but gynea continues to talk to me. My gynie told me today thati f my tubes are unblocked like i have been told n its 100% confirmed then i have to have a baby im 23 almost and because of my pain n all the medication i have tried they are saying this is the only thing that will cure it my reply was but i dont even have a boyfriend at the mo so i cant jsut get a boyfriend and get pregnant over night to then she replied with well soon as u can most women will wait for 12months then get investigated but here is what il do for you if you try for six months only for a baby and it doesnt happen i will help u after six months.I really dont know what to do i have spent the 7years crying over the fear of maybe not being able to have a baby then she springs that on me n says do it now while time is on my side not when im 35. I love children its my only dream in life to have a child.Does it really cure endo or is it lies?? because before they put me on 2 rounds of prostap they said i would have a mini menipause n that would clear my endo it certainly hasnt cleared it n i didnt even stop having my periods infact i was getting 2 a month instead of one. What is the best drug to take to try and keep it at bay?? Congrats also to all u women who have managed to have a baby i love hearing stories like that because it stops me giving up on my dream that one day il get to be a mummy aswel so thanks
xx
Hi Little Minx – cute name
http://www.cureendometriosis.com/the-main-organ-you-should-focus-on-when-healing-endometriosis-and-no-it-is-not-the-uterus/
Having a child is a MASSIVE decision and I can’t believe these doctors are even suggesting you go out and find a man, just so you can have a child! How rediculous! You are way to young to just jump in to have a child – just like that! Secondly, no you are right – it doesn’t guarantee a cure. Infact many women have reported that their endo is worse after childbirth. So, I wouldn’t believe a word of what they are telling you!
It is hard for me to explain in one comment but healing yourself from endo will NEVER happen by taking a drug. It makes no sense. You need to heal your body. Endo is only a reaction by your body to what you are giving it. It is only reacting because of an imbalance. If you heal that imbalance, you can heal endo. Make sense? That imbalance begins in the liver. This is why many women actually feel worse from taking hormones and drugs – it damages the liver further. Your focus should therefore be on healing your liver – not finding a drug to add to it’s workload.
The way we do that is to flush out as many of the toxins in the body that we can and to provide the liver with nutrients in the form of herbs and tonics and eat heaps of green stuff! THe liver also hates fats in meat, dairy and sugar.
There is no one drug that will ever cure endo. No drugs ever “cure” anything. They “cure” symptoms.
I hope I am not sounding too lectury – just that your story ignites so much in me about how ignorant some doctors are and how they affect the outcome of your life!
I hope you read more of my articles which express heaps about what I have written here. You can have a child like so many other girls with endo! Just heal your body – the natural way
http://www.cureendometriosis.com/what-is-endometriosis-and-how-do-we-apply-natural-methods-to-heal-it/
I have PCOS and Endometriosis. Double whammy. For me, it was a long journey (4.5 yrs of infertility) to get my 2nd daughter and (1.5 yrs) to get my first. I’d really love to share my story with you & how I eventually got pregnant, so here’s my story: http://foodie4healing.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-miracle.html. I hope my story encourages others!
Have read on different site and spoken to many women who were told they couldnt have children and later they became pregnant and given birth. these are women with endometriosis and pid so it is possible. Many had to take fertility pills also, Diet changes is best for cleasing the body.
Hi Melissa,
I understand what you are saying in this article. I just want to give hope to everyone else out here, I am a mom that has had endometriosis too. For long, my endo was not properly diagnosed and was just considered as an ovarian cyst ( one that I did not do anything about.)
After marriage, I did conceive very soon – for once, belief in yourself and in your ability to have children helps and also your reasons for wanting a child should probably be strong enough. I knew, like you instinctively, that for me it wouldn’t be “easy” having a child but I was determined to do it. God has blessed us and it has happened.
It is only now that my endo has been re-diagnosed again so my guess is that it is a lower grade of endo probably? Still I have endo and it is possible ot have children.
Like you said, an important step towards having children is to cleanse your body, your mind and be ready to receive God’s grace in abundance! Good luck to all those who are trying to conceive.
Thanks for sharing Sameera and giving hope to women who want to conceive! Cleansing is definitely what it is all about!
Its good to read this blog. I have had endo for a few years now and have been receiving a lot of treatment for it. I have already had one child and am being treated with Lupron again and a progesterone only pill, or mini pill. I have been in so much pain lately I don’t know what to do with myself. The pain radiates down my legs, my lower back fees like I have been hit by a baseball bat, the cramping is terrible, and I feel as though no doctor understands. They refuse to treat my pain because they are afraid I might become addicted to something, I haven’t been given anything though. At this point I don’t care, I feel desperate, I was looking into alternative ways to try and help this pain. Any suggestions?
Hi JV. Wow! Lupron and the progesterone pill! That is a scary combination….
I would seriously consider getting off the Lupron. Check this article out: http://www.cureendometriosis.com/please-dont-ever-take-lupron-for-endometriosis/
Check out the article on DIM for a better alternative to controlling your hormones.
Hey Mel,
I think there is a current theory among therapists that if we are genetically disposed to endo we are born with it, but that if we have a very bad childhood trauma/traumas it is more likely to manifest. That might explain the link between the death of your brother and the fear of having children and the illness?
Namaste
Allannah
Hey Allanah, That makes sense actually. Wonder if there is a way we can prevent passing it on?
Thank you!!! I needed to read this. I think about this a lot. As a teenager I didn’t think I wanted to have children. I had a rough childhood in some ways and I had a negative outlook on the world. But now that I found the man I want to be with the thought of not having his child makes me so sad and its unbearable to me. I have been working on my health agressively and in a very disciplined manner for over 2 years now since i got off birth control to make sure I am healthy enough to have kids. I know I ovulate still and I believe I can have a baby and I will keep trying to get healthy enough.
Thanks
D
It is my pleasure! Well done on being disciplined and going off birth control. You will be fine
This post really spoke to me. I’m only 18 years old, and I never really considered having kids before (I always expected that I would one day have them, but I’m not really baby-crazy like some friends of mine, you know?) But after establishing that I probably have endo (and it’s unlikely that it’s anything else considering the symptoms), I had almost the exact same moment as you described in this post- I was just showering, it had been a rough week, and i was suffering from more symptoms at the time- and I just sort of sat down in the shower and cried for about ten solid minutes. Not just a pms-y cry, but like that of a loss. You captured what I was feeling exactly. I know it’s not impossible for endo girls to have kids- my mom’s friend, who told me about it first, just had a baby and she has endo- but there’s still that daunting figure of 35% women with endo who can’t. I know I’m nowhere near ready to even think about kids yet, but i hope that by the time i am i’ll be able to take it in stride. Thanks again for this post!
Hi SJT. I am so glad you and I were able to share the same experience on some weird kinda cosmic level – even with some time travel involved!
I also have heaps of friends who have had endo and managed to have children. I guess it is daunting when that is taken from us, that choice and the belief that we can. I get angry just thinking about how doctors tell us this figure! 35% is huge!
You can heal and you will and then you can make the decision for you, on whether it is something that you want! Thanks for sharing and I am happy to share back
Hi Melissa!
Thank You for this post, I’am in the process of getting my body ready to see if i can have a baby,,I have been told by my Dr. that I need to try having a baby soon because my chances of having a baby are very low and specially now that I’am past 30, I don’t know if having Endometriosis cusses me the fear of having a child but I’m always thinking that I’m not ready for it, also I think i’ll be ok about not having a baby, honestly I don’t know,,, everything is so confusing,,, maybe is cus this health problem is so difficult that I can decide what I want, I have thought about getting everything out, I just have been holding everything to try to have a baby,,,Sorry if I can’t explain my self very clear,,,English is my second language,,,
Take care
Raiza
Hi Raiza, I can totally relate to your reply! It is so confusing. You don’t know if you really want it and then you feel like you should and then there are the pressures to get better and being told that having a baby will fix it, which it doesn’t…… all very confusing. Having it all out doesn’t fix it so don’t worry too much about that option!
I think we will know when we are ready and if we are ready and then our bodies will be healed!