The last week has been really strange. I have been feeling a strange connection with having a child. To be honest, this is not a feeling I generally have. As a matter of fact, it is an incredibly scary feeling. I know for many of you this is a common feeling. You long for a child each and every day and every month that the pregnancy test, says: “no, sorry, not this month”, it leaves you empty, lost and frustrated.
I think this is exactly what I think I am protecting myself from.
Let me explain…..
When I was in my early twenties, my Gynaechologist suggested that it would be a good idea for me to join an Endometriosis support group. I was the youngest member of the group, aged 19 at the time and all the other women were in their mid thirties to early fourties. The idea behind the group was to offer support but to be honest, it just created a heap of fear in me. These women would spend every week sharing their pain of trying to fall pregnant and how much they wanted a child and how this desire had not only ruined their marriages but also made their whole other life, seem insignificant. I think it was at this time, that I kinda turned off that switch inside of me. You know the one, I mean. The one, where I allow myself to want, to long for a child of my own.
I think, it was in those weeks, in my early twenties, that I decided that I didn’t want to ever be like those women. I didn’t want to be all focused on having a child, that the rest of my life didn’t matter, that it had no significance without a child, and that it would come between my marriage, my life and everything that I was. That, that longing, would actually make me a bitter, sad and unhappy person.
I think I have been afraid to feel. Afraid to actually want a child, just incase my Endometriosis never went away. Just in case the whole concept of having my own child was unimaginable, unobtainable. I think, it has been a wound I have been covering up by making everything else in my life bigger, more important. That way, my life becomes more and the ability of potentially not being to have a child becomes less important.
Thing is, the other day, for the first time, I actually genuinely allowed myself to think about what it would be like to really have a child. For James and I to have a child together. To share the responsibility and to have something that was ours. I even pictured the child we would have. It would be a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes. I allowed myself to dream about it and to picture it being real. Honestly, it was scary. It was scary to give into that longing and that desire of actually having a child. I actually am feeling myself well up while writing this as that fear and that desire is so raw and so close to me. I feel a sense of relief for being able to feel it but on another level, the fear of that, means I need to face the potential of not being able to have children or that inevitable waiting and trying, which I know so many of you go through each month.
I feel like only when I make the decision to go for it and to really try for a child, that that fear will become even more real and for now, I am still happy to float in that place, where I can just go on believing: “if it happens, it happens” but it is like a massive nut has been cracked and all that rawness is slowly coming out. Something has changed. Something in me, has shifted and somehow the idea of a child of our own is not in that far away place anymore.
I have actually been watching children and enjoying their spirit. I never allowed myself to do that before. I blocked them, wherever I went. I would just go on about how annoying they were or how much time they took from ones life etc – I was merely blocking any emotion I might feel towards them. Well, the other day, there was the cutest boy (yes, he happened to be blue eyed and blond!) and I landed up chatting to him and making him smile. My heart felt such a strange longing for nurture and love.
It is scary to admit this but perhaps change is on the way for me. Perhaps I am finally open to having a child……
Please share your thoughts…. am I alone in this feeling? Is it a scary place to long for a child? What do you feel, go through? Any thoughts would be massively appreciated….
Hello Melissa!
This is such a nice post! I understand exactly were you come from as i have been through it too! I am currently trying to start a family with no much luck so far but all your tips and advice are so helpful! I have started on the Maca powder also taking herbs and I eat really mindfully, But you are right, there is also such a huge emotional and energetic side of things that I tend to forget about. Fears and other negative emotions can really have a big impact on our bodies.
Thank you so much for your blog. I love that you look at every aspect of life and i also love your honest, straight forward and taboofree approach! lots of love from Queenstown!
So lovely to hear from you Aurelie :)
Glad we are sharing our journey to have a child – even if we are on other sides of the world right now.
Miss Queenstown :)
I am new to your blog but alreadyhve found much information and inspiration. Thank you. my only regret is that I didn’t discover it earlier. unfortunately my story doesn’t have the happy outcome of the other ladies who have commented and after 3 years of surgery, many failed ivf cycles both here in London and Cape Town and a miscarriage, I am now trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never carry a child. Instead, thanks to your blog I am now trying to heal both body and soul.
The road to motherhood for us endo girls can be tricky, confusing, difficult, and more painful than I ever imagined, but if you are ready to try then i can only suggest that you open your heart to it. I dont regret trying to concieve for one moment even though my journey has failed. And though the process is very personal and painful I found that i was not alone as there are some wonderful people out there who provide information, guidance and support, delivered with kindness, and who help to make the whole process less daunting (happy to provide names and details if it helps). Great love sometimes requires great risk.
I wish you and all other endo girls
much success, love, blessings and light on your own personal journey and my fingers are firmly
crossed for you all.
names and details if it will help).
Thank you Naz and I am sorry to hear that your journey to have a child of your own has failed. Perhaps you could consider adoption?
It would be wonderful to have any names and contacts that would help me and others, on this journey to having a child.
All the best,
Melissa
I think it is perfectly normal to protect ourselves from disappointment and sadness from not being able to conceive by just saying we don’t want kids. I know I told myself for years that it just wasn’t the right time anyway financially etc., so I didn’t put that pressure on myself to get pregnant. Bringing a child into this world is scary; it is a huge, life changing responsibility. The fact that you are thinking about all of this before getting pregnant shows that you will be a great mom if you choose to become one.
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for sharing such heartfelt issues-you contine to demonstrate emotional courage to us all. It seems that the fear you have held for so long is finally being released. I think we all have some fear that holds us back from our true lives. Perhaps we just have to go through experiences and get to a place that we can finally feel safe to let go and get closer to our real dreams. It is wonderful that you are feeling this love you want to share with a child. In whatever way that child comes to you, the amazing thing will be the love and relationship that you share as a family.
Melissa, you are such a warm-hearted person- you have already been nuturing all of us Endo-girls for a long time! It seems that you would be an absolutely brilliant mother! May you be blessed on whatever path you journey leads you!
Thank you Christine. That is such a wonderful thing to say – I am happy to nurture all you endo girls :) I guess maybe my heart has become more open in the process of doing that.
It is true. Perhaps, I finally feel more in control of my life and my body now and that it is actually possible for me.
Melissa,
I am pretty new to your blog and have changed so many things in my life healthwise since reading your post. But I must say I think this may be one of your best post yet. It’s so raw and vulnerable. While I have struggled with fertility complications for two years just a few weeks ago I sat down and thought do I really want this. Was I obsessed with the idea of not being able to or did I really want to be a mother. After some thought and years I still haven’t been able to answer that question just yet either. But what I did notice was when I got allowed myself to fall into the idea of being a mom it made me more vulnerable. I cried more during those times but I also was more free during those times too. Whatever is your truth I say fall deep into it! Allow yourself to be 100% there. Sure it is scary because we are scared to lose ourself in those feelings but I believe that it is the start to our emotional healing. We must heal our bodies and our spirits to be our true selves.
Thank you Monique. That is very true – we need to fall into whatever we truly want and allow ourselves to dream- even if the fear of it, is often daunting.
A friend of mine has severe Endo plus a whole magnitude of other health problems. She has an 11 year old boy and managed to conceive twice more naturally, she now also has a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old. She never believed that it would happen, but it did.
I guess it can happen for anyone, she was very fortunate to not need fertility treatment.
Thanks Belinda. It is a great story. I know it can happen for many endo girls – I was just scared to be open to it at all, until now :)
Hi Melissa,
I think that is amazing that you feel more open to the idea of a baby. Don’t women with endo have babies quite often? I am fairly new to the symptoms of endo and exploring the natural treatments. I can offer this: Nothing in life that isn’t worth having comes easy so if you can imagine it you can make iit happen. Also if it happens it happens right? I have an Aunt who I admire a lot and she never had children. I sometimes think I could be fine either way. There are many perks in not having kidsbut I think we all have that instinct in us. Who knows maybe since your healing you are becoming more and more open to the idea. Wish you the best. Hugs and love.
Thanks Kelly. It is great to have role models who never had kids – it makes one feel good about having a choice. I think that is what it boils down to really – a choice which I want to be in a position to make – rather than being told, I can’t or spend years trying :)
Hi Mel! I really want to make contact with you but cant find how on your site – I run Project Endo and am all about natural ways to heal. Drop me a line? jo.jogifford@gmail.com just found your site xx
You are so right Jana. We do become stronger and a better person for all that we go through. It makes us more vulnerable and also, I believe more grateful for what we have in our lives. Thank you Jana. For following and for sharing your story of self discovery and peace along the way. It acknowledges to me, that in the end….everything will be okay.