The last week has been really strange. I have been feeling a strange connection with having a child. To be honest, this is not a feeling I generally have. As a matter of fact, it is an incredibly scary feeling. I know for many of you this is a common feeling. You long for a child each and every day and every month that the pregnancy test, says: “no, sorry, not this month”, it leaves you empty, lost and frustrated.
I think this is exactly what I think I am protecting myself from.
Let me explain…..
When I was in my early twenties, my Gynaechologist suggested that it would be a good idea for me to join an Endometriosis support group. I was the youngest member of the group, aged 19 at the time and all the other women were in their mid thirties to early fourties. The idea behind the group was to offer support but to be honest, it just created a heap of fear in me. These women would spend every week sharing their pain of trying to fall pregnant and how much they wanted a child and how this desire had not only ruined their marriages but also made their whole other life, seem insignificant. I think it was at this time, that I kinda turned off that switch inside of me. You know the one, I mean. The one, where I allow myself to want, to long for a child of my own.
I think, it was in those weeks, in my early twenties, that I decided that I didn’t want to ever be like those women. I didn’t want to be all focused on having a child, that the rest of my life didn’t matter, that it had no significance without a child, and that it would come between my marriage, my life and everything that I was. That, that longing, would actually make me a bitter, sad and unhappy person.
I think I have been afraid to feel. Afraid to actually want a child, just incase my Endometriosis never went away. Just in case the whole concept of having my own child was unimaginable, unobtainable. I think, it has been a wound I have been covering up by making everything else in my life bigger, more important. That way, my life becomes more and the ability of potentially not being to have a child becomes less important.
Thing is, the other day, for the first time, I actually genuinely allowed myself to think about what it would be like to really have a child. For James and I to have a child together. To share the responsibility and to have something that was ours. I even pictured the child we would have. It would be a little boy with blond hair and blue eyes. I allowed myself to dream about it and to picture it being real. Honestly, it was scary. It was scary to give into that longing and that desire of actually having a child. I actually am feeling myself well up while writing this as that fear and that desire is so raw and so close to me. I feel a sense of relief for being able to feel it but on another level, the fear of that, means I need to face the potential of not being able to have children or that inevitable waiting and trying, which I know so many of you go through each month.
I feel like only when I make the decision to go for it and to really try for a child, that that fear will become even more real and for now, I am still happy to float in that place, where I can just go on believing: “if it happens, it happens” but it is like a massive nut has been cracked and all that rawness is slowly coming out. Something has changed. Something in me, has shifted and somehow the idea of a child of our own is not in that far away place anymore.
I have actually been watching children and enjoying their spirit. I never allowed myself to do that before. I blocked them, wherever I went. I would just go on about how annoying they were or how much time they took from ones life etc – I was merely blocking any emotion I might feel towards them. Well, the other day, there was the cutest boy (yes, he happened to be blue eyed and blond!) and I landed up chatting to him and making him smile. My heart felt such a strange longing for nurture and love.
It is scary to admit this but perhaps change is on the way for me. Perhaps I am finally open to having a child……
Please share your thoughts…. am I alone in this feeling? Is it a scary place to long for a child? What do you feel, go through? Any thoughts would be massively appreciated….